Ivanka Trump Thinks Unemployed People Should Try Not Being Unemployed

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(What follows is a humor column from R. Eric Thomas.)

Good afternoon and happy pandemic to you, serfs! It is I, Ivanka Trump, former and future star of The Apprentice, and I come bearing a special message from my close personal friend @realdonaldtrump. We are receiving reports that times are hard! I was in a briefing earlier about the very concerning news that the economy was viciously attacked by cancel culture. I considered sending the economy a Get Well Soon card but I refrained because, famously, we in the Trump administration hate the U.S. Postal Service and I do not want to encourage them. Instead, I sent the economy one (1) free ticket to an upcoming Trump rally (with purchase of a hat and an appetizer; dine-in only; void where prohibited). One of the by-products of the Liberal Media’s attack on the economy is that many people are claiming that they do not have jobs. We have decided that this is bad because “JOBS!” is kind of our whole thing. But, also “You’re Fired!” was our whole thing before so maybe we’re ambivalent about this? Anyway, let us pretend that I care for a moment. Because I have spent every moment of the last 30 seconds thinking about American unemployment, I am pleased to announce the “Find Something New” campaign, an initiative I am leading with Wilbur Ross, Commerce Secretary and tertiary villain.

What is “Find Something New“? Well, it’s a website. And if that was not enough, it’s also an ad campaign! Nothing says “we are doing something” like advertising. The purpose of the ad campaign (and website!) is to address the very rude unemployment numbers that the Lying Media is artificially inflating by making conservative columnists voluntarily leave their jobs. Millions of people are out of work right now and over-taxed state unemployment systems are leaving millions more in limbo; I have heard your cries and I have decided to immediately do something about it roughly four months after it began. Many of you are facing the terrifying prospect of joblessness and I would like to present to you another option: have you thought about not being jobless? Many have not. “Find Something New” is a campaign that, according to a tweet the White House sent out, urges “young Americans and job-seekers to Find Something New!” The exclamation point was my addition. Big picture thinking.

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R Eric Thomas is a Senior Staff Writer at ELLE.com, home of his daily humor column “Eric Reads the News,” which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity shade, and schadenfreude.